Who Would Seriously Need That?

Contrary to what you might think from reading these pages, I AM open to new technologies and new ways of doing things. I did (begrudgingly) move from cassettes to CDs to, eventually, digital downloads. Not always with a smile on my face, but even I could see the writing on the wall and adapt as needed.

Although I guess cassettes, of all things, are making a comeback now? Who’s in charge of this stuff? I could’ve kept my collection from the ’80s and saved myself a LOT of time. And money.

But I digress.

There are many examples over the last couple of decades of new technologies/platforms that I initially scoffed at, but have now become a nearly indispensable part of my daily life.

Again, begrudgingly. Keeping up with the times has meant an explosion in the number of subscriptions I’m now paying for. Remember when you went to the store, bought a physical object, and brought it home? You had an actual media library that you owned, which sometimes took up an entire room!

Digressing again. Sorry.

Following is a list of products and services that have become as necessary as food, shelter, and a comfortable seat cushion. And which, maybe 10-20 years ago, I could not fathom what actual need they served, other than ways to separate you from more and more of your cash.

Satellite Radio:

Then — who on Earth would pay to listen to radio?? Seriously, you can get all the music you want, anytime, for free over the air. And it’s everywhere. Car, home, boat, work. Turn it on and music comes out. Easy peasy.

Now — been a subscriber for 20 years. Can’t imagine listening to commercials anymore. And the genres! So many different genres!

Apple Watch:

Then — so let me get this straight. You have all the information you could ever possibly need in several lifetimes in your pocket. But apparently that’s not convenient enough? You need it all on your wrist, where it’s too small to read, anyway? Pro tip: if you keep your arms are at your sides, YOUR PHONE IS RIGHT THERE.

Now — yes, I do have one, but I plead innocent here. I got it as a gift. And, to be honest, I don’t really use it for much other than, you know, the time. And to see what song’s currently on my playlist. Gotta admit, it’s pretty handy for that. And the different watch faces are pretty cool, too. But I can do without it nagging at me about how I STILL haven’t reached my steps.

Amazon Prime:

Then — soooo, there’s this place that’s basically a virtual Sears catalog (look it up, kids) on steroids where you can find pretty much anything on the planet and have it shipped to your door. But apparently having to pay a few extra bucks for it take maybe 4-5 days to arrive is unacceptable? You’re willing to pay how much so you can get it this evening? If you need something that fast, GO TO THE STORE!!

Now — wait, shipping is how much?? And it won’t be here ’til Saturday?? Screw that, I want a drone to drop it in my lap immediately. Plus, their streaming TV service has a 24-hour Columbo channel. 'Nuff said.

Audiobooks:

Then — so now just opening your eyes and looking at words on a page is too hard?? Do your eyelids hurt if you keep them open for more than a couple of seconds? Remind me not to get in a car with you.

Now — nothing better than putting on my headphones, closing my eyes, and listening to a chapter or two before bed. Plus, I’ve gone through maybe eight books the last two months. I’m lucky if I can get through a couple a year the old fashioned way. The best part? I check them out of my local library for free! Don’t even have to go there, there’s an app!

Streaming … anything:

Then — nothing wrong with cable, I have everything I need. Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail! I finally ditched my CDs and have my entire music library on my hard drive. I’m absolutely fine.

Now — I watch TV on at least five different platforms (well, I PAY for at least five different platforms). And it’s even worse now as the DVR is unlimited, so I have a million-times more shows I haven’t gotten around to watching. And Apple Music? Forget about it, I have a billion albums at my disposal and it costs the same no matter how much I listen. It’s enough to almost make me forget the artists are scrambling for pennies now.

The Cloud:

Then — if you need the digital equivalent of a storage unit to keep all your computer files, face it. You’re a hoarder. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Do you really need your resumé from 30 years ago?

Now — I listen to all my downloaded music via the cloud as the actual songs took up too much space on my phone.

You Still Can’t Make Me

Being the stubborn Gen-Xer I am, I’m still digging my heels in on some of these things. You can lead this horse to electrolyte water, but you can’t necessarily make him drink from a reusable cup.

Grocery/food delivery — Sorry, I still like picking out my own stuff at the grocery store. Besides, no one else needs to know my alcohol budget. That’s between me and the nice people at the bank.

As for meals? Other than pizza, delivery just feels weird. Having someone bring me a burger and fries, or a burrito, or fried chicken at a place OTHER than the restaurant where I ordered it is the last step before giving up on society completely. Besides, I don’t need cold food with a $10 surcharge. Pizza you can at least nuke for a few seconds. Ever reheat fries? Awful.

Siri/Alexa — I’ve just never been comfortable talking to a jumble of circuits wrapped in plastic. Just isn’t right. And it’s been that way for decades. Remember answering machines? Horrible. Nothing worse than sounding like you’re having a stroke forever preserved on tape.

Robot vacuum — while it’s true I can spend an inordinate amount of time barely moving at all, I can still push a vacuum around, thank-you-very-much. In fact, it’s the only cardio I usually get most weeks.

E-bikes — now you would think, being as exercise-averse as I am, these would be a natural for me. You mean I can just push a button to get over this hill??

BUT … you can’t make Costco runs on a scooter. Although, if you’re trying to keep your grocery bill down, might be a solid strategy. Better that than having it delivered.