Encountering Children in the Wild

It isn’t lost on me that maybe the biggest reason I feel completely detached from modern culture is that I’ve chosen not to have children. I just haven’t interfaced with the people actually being marketed to.

It’s interesting not being a parent. I find children fascinating, like interactive exhibits running around in a real-life museum. I haven’t the foggiest idea about how they communicate or the media they consume.

True, the one thing we all have in common is being addicted to our devices. But if I glanced at a kid’s phone, it would just look like hieroglyphics.

So, as a public service to my fellow non-parents, I offer the following cheat sheet of their interests. Because, you never know, one day you might find yourself seated at the kids’ table at your friend’s wedding.

I know. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

AGES 6-8

There are apparently two terms you need to know — Roblox and Bluey.

Roblox is basically a virtual theme park. Players open the platform and select one of a jillion “experiences” to play, everything from obstacle courses to roleplaying. The sheer array of games is dizzying.

And apparently quite addicting. Roughly HALF of all American kids under 16 use this platform. Although some are using it to get a head-start on capitalism. More on that later.

Bluey is a cute little Australian cartoon (yes, they still make those) that centers on a family of dogs and presents funny lessons involving family situations. Apparently the show is so well-written that parents of the kids watching get hooked, as well.

How hooked? It was watched for 45 BILLION minutes on Disney+ in 2025, the most streamed program on any platform anywhere.

If you mention either of these to this age group, you’ll probably buy yourself a good 20-30 minutes as they rattle off every single thing they love about them.

AGES 9-11

The Roblox empire escalates here, not necessarily in a good way. Kids can buy (with their parents’ credit cards, of course) “Robux,” the official currency of Roblox. 300 run about $10.

What can they buy? Just like at school, it’s all about appearance. Digital peer pressure is rampant here. They can buy everything from better hair styles to facial expressions to styles of walking. And the more they buy, the “cooler” they look, at least according to the community. If they’re still walking around with the basic avatar setup, they’re basically shunned.

Add to this the (usually older) kids who learn Roblox gaming code and can build games for others to play. The more popular the game, the more Robux they can charge to play it.

I have no idea how this is legal. Seriously, if you really want to teach your child how speculation works, take them to Wall Street or Vegas instead. It’ll probably be cheaper.

Other popular games include Brawl Stars (where kids can shoot things with friends, fun for all!), and some music game called Sprunki? You use characters to make happy, cheerful songs, then suddenly switch to “Horror Mode” where everything gets all dark and creepy.

Apparently the kids like this. They haven’t reached adulthood yet.

Then there’s MrBeast. I guess some kid filmed himself counting to 100,000 and started an empire. Makes about as much sense as anything.

MrBeast has the largest following ever on a single YouTube channel, more than 500-MILLION subscribers. (Taylor Swift? A mere 62.5 million.) His hook? Award giant sums of money to people for attempting absurd “challenges.”

The kids can’t get enough.

He’s gotten so big he’s even spawned a reality show on Amazon Prime called “Beast Games,” which is basically Hunger Games meets Jackass. Apparently for boatloads of money.

This sums up America in 2026 — Beast Games has a 20% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and is Prime’s most watched “unscripted” series ever.

AGES 12-14

The good news is that their faces will be so buried in their phones they will barely acknowledge your existence, if they notice you at all. Again, everyone’s guilty of this, so to call out any group would be beyond hypocritical.

But it seems these people can go longer without coming up for air. They’ve learned to do everything in life without looking at it. Their advanced motor skills will serve them very well during the apocalypse.

The usual socials — YouTube, Instagram, Snapchat — still have cultural cred with this group, but apparently Facebook has jumped the shark.

Yes, I just said “jumped the shark.” If you got that, you are my people.

Oh, and speaking of slang? Don’t even worry about it. Their own PARENTS can’t even keep up. A study by Prodigy shows more than 1/3 of parents felt disconnected from their kids’ vocabulary. So learning anything will be a complete waste of time, and asking them to teach it to you would be very “cringe.” (Yes, I know that one.)

So between that and “jumped the shark,” you’ll be completely socially dead to them. Instead of merely on life support.

AGES 15+

Speaking of socially dead, here we are. If you hadn’t disappeared before, by now you’re completely invisible, just some shadowy blur in their peripheral vision. If for some reason they happen to glance your way by accident, just smile vaguely. They’ll roll their eyes and go back to their phones.

You know that trick where you pretend to talk on your cell phone to keep others from approaching you? They’ve caught on to it, only with AirPods. Odds are 50/50 they’re actually listening to something.

Plus, AI has entered the picture. Not that they would to begin with, but now they have absolutely ZERO reason to interact with any adult for any reason whatsoever.

Which is just as well. They’re too busy scamming the younger kids out of their Robux, anyway.