FAST TV -- Fast Food for Your Brain
Remember when channel surfing was actually possible? Going through your available channels would take, what, maybe five minutes. You could even take another run if you couldn’t make up your mind on the first pass.
Now? It’s no longer Netflix and chill. It’s scrolling and chill.
And this isn’t just about movie platforms. I talking specifically about the “free” TV channels offered by streamers like Sling and Amazon Prime (and Tubi, and Pluto, and, and, and…). Between Sling and Prime alone there are more than 1,100 options. Have you ever attempted surfing all of those?
It’s captivating and frightening at the same time. It’ll also kill your entire evening.
The culprit? Free Advertising-Supported Television (FAST) channels.
Basically, production and syndication companies were sitting on massive piles of TV shows and movies. Instant content. So they wondered, “How can we monetize this?
I know! Let’s slice and dice all this into a billion different ‘channels,’ call them ‘free,’ and sell advertising on them.”
Voila! Now channels like World’s Most Evil Killers, At Home with Family Handyman, and Billiard TV exist.
Now, let me make it clear right here. I’m NOT mocking these channels and all who watch them. I’m as guilty as anyone. The hours I’ve lost watching “Columbo” and “The Price Is Right,” I’ll never get back.
The sheer volume of FAST channels available on various platforms seems endless, but they can be generally divided into the following categories. This is not exhaustive by any means, just a brief overview of what you can dive into.
Please remember, these are all actual individual channels, not just shows.
True Crime:
The Crime Files Channel, Crime Hunters, Crime Plus, Crime & Justice, Total Crime, and True Crime Now are somehow all different channels. (The case could be made to include the cable news shows here, but that’s another discussion.)
Lifestyle/Design:
HGTV/Food Network, look what you have wrought — Tastemade, Cook Chop Chat, Food52, So Yummy, Gardening with Monty Don, The Design Network, Property & Reno, At Home with Family Handyman, CraftsyTV.
You can build your own chef’s kitchen, then create the meals to show it off.
“Sports”:
I feel I should emphasize here, I’m not making any of these up — ACL Cornhole TV (there’s a league???), Billiard TV, Boxing TV, PickleTV, PokerGO, World Poker Tour, Fight Network, Swerve Combat, GLORY Kickboxing, Car Chase (maybe this should be in True Crime, as well?), and of course ESPN Ocho.
Yes, the fictitious “Dodgeball” channel is now an actual thing. You’re welcome.
“Classic” TV:
I’m aware someone who mainlines “Columbo” has little room to talk. Still, I find some of these selections, um, interesting — ALF, According to Jim, Baywatch, Cagney & Lacey, Degrassi, Designated Survivor, Farscape, Highway to Heaven, Hunter, Classic Doctor Who, Midsomer Murders, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Portlandia.
Actually, those last two are good calls.
Children:
Who needs to parent when you can distract the kiddos 24/7?
BabyBoom, Fireman Sam, Bob the Builder, Slugterra, Toon Goggles, Strawberry Shortcake, Ninja Kidz TV, Yippee Kids TV, Rainbow Ruby, Teletubbies, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Odds & Ends:
Emphasis on “Odds” — The Bob Ross Channel, FIDO TV, Love Pets, The Pet Collective, Party Tyme Karaoke (a.k.a. the 7th circle of hell), Ambient Cinema, VHS+, Ghosts are Real, Extreme Expeditions, All-Out Alaska, EarthDay 365.
Movies:
This category is kind of its own animal. Companies like FilmRise, Stash TV, and CINEVAULT each have their own stashes of movies to run. Their genius lies in slicing themselves into a seemingly infinite number of genres. Each, of course, is its own “channel” — Action, Anime, Black TV, British TV, Classic TV, Comedy, Family, Food, Horror, Kids, Music, Mysteries, Sci-Fi, True Crime, Western, Shorts, Living History, Suspense, The Classics.
Dizzying, isn’t it?
Now, to keep this from being a full-on cynical rant about our shredding attention spans, there are some positives to these constellations of FAST channels.
International news/programming — get the actual scoop on what’s happening on our planet and learn about other cultures, in many languages for non-English speakers.
Everywhere is local now — if life has taken you far from your home town, you can always keep up with what’s happening in the old ‘hood. Local newscasts from pretty much the entire U.S. are available. And trust me, you don’t have to be from a specific area for these to turn into a rabbit hole.
And of course, I’ve already mentioned “Columbo” and “The Price Is Right,” which should really go without saying. Speaking of which, gotta run. The Showcase Showdown is about to start.
