Savile Row called. They'd like "bespoke" back.

Not so long ago, if a manufacturer and wanted to add a touch of panache when selling their product, they’d describe it as “custom.” Being able to customize a product to your own specifications meant status, prestige, wealth.

Anyone can have something fresh off the assembly line. But being able to select different options to personalize your possession and create something no one else has? That screamed success.

But over time, “custom” has been used to describe everything from ordering the finishes for your new house to choosing the milk in your latte.

If EVERYTHING is custom, then nothing is.

So the wizards of marketing eventually returned to one of the original indicators of luxury — “bespoke.”

It’s impossible to pinpoint exactly when this all started, but it may be that Americans, by and large, tend to associate anything British as more upscale. Think Rolls Royce or Bentley.

Surveys have found that the words “quality” and “heritage” were most commonly associated with British-made products. These goods were also considered more expensive.

This perception can perhaps be traced back to the “bespoke” tailors of London’s Savile Row.

Per the Oxford English Dictionary, bespoke means “of goods; ordered to be made, as distinguished from ready-made … also said of a tradesman who makes goods to order.”

In the Savile Row context, bespoke meant the suit material was “spoken for” by the customer. The suit itself did not exist AT ALL until measurements were made (over several fittings), the material cut, and the suit hand-constructed by a tailor.

It was a truly one-of-a-kind item, with a price-tag to match.

So it kind of makes sense that marketers would like to sprinkle some of that upper-class glitter on their more pedestrian products.

But when does this “marketing creep” venture into absurdity? Going back to the new home example, a truly bespoke home is built entirely from the ground up from plans agreed to (if not designed) by the homeowner. It is NOT choosing the marble countertops and upgraded appliances in your new tract home.

So that got me to wondering, what would other commodities be if they were truly “bespoke?”

• Burritos — we stone-ground the masa from corn harvested from our very own fields, and hand-cut and prepare your choice of protein from our on-site butchery. It is then topped with hand-blended sauces and salsa created from your exact specifications.
• Playlists — you’ll work with our own writers and producers to create each track, which will be recorded by our highly-skilled musicians in our studio, and finally mixed by our engineers with your direct input. And as a bonus, we’ll create and record your own signature ringtone absolutely FREE!
• Skincare — our staff chemists carefully extract and analyze your specific skin samples using our proprietary AI-enhanced algorithms, resulting in a formula crafted for your personal skin type.
• Pet food — bring your fur-baby to our state-of-the-art facility, where we will guide them through our AI-assisted sensory evaluation. We will then handcraft your pet’s personal signature blend using all-natural ingredients from our exclusive supplier.
• Coffee — spend the day at our estate as you hand-pick beans from your choice of trees. They are then harvested and roasted to your specifications as determined by our analysis of your specific flavor preferences.
• Home fragrances — our technicians take air samples from every room in your house and, after painstaking analysis, create your very own proprietary “house scent” to guarantee maximum Feng Shui.
• License plates — we pour molten metal in our own hand-created forms, hand-stamp your plate number of choice, and paint each character to coordinate with your car’s color scheme.
• Writing — we’ll consult with you to refine your specific concepts to create a truly unique combination of words and paragraphs to convey your own original ideas as clearly and concisely as possible.

Actually, I’m serious about that last one. And it’s WAY cheaper than a Bentley. Call me.